InspirEd2024 - Hannah Beach - Session 1: The Emotional Roots of Aggression and Anxiety: Supporting Change and Building Resilient Kids - Part 1

Emotional Health in our Schools

A child’s behaviour is like the leaves of a wilting plant - a message about what’s going on in the world around it. 

• When we see a child’s behaviour is off and we try to fix the behaviour instead of the root cause, we will not actually change the situation.
• Why is that behaviour there in the first place?
• In order for true change to happen, it has to ignore your intuition. 
• Teaching is relationship. You have to UNDERSTAND it.

We have an epidemic of anxiety, aggression, shut down kids. We have to talk about “why?” before we get to “what do we do about it?” 

Why? What is going on with kids?

• Not because of COVID!
• Two  major cultural shifts:

1. Living in a culture of disconnection

• Cultured imbed rituals into their lives that connect/attach kids to their adults (ex. eating together)
• Eating is about attachment more than anything else. 
• Day of rest: people gather, have dinners together, stores were closed

2. We replaced play with entertainment

• Entertainment is the “in breath”, play is the “put breath” — we have kids who are breathing in and in and in and in and they are not coping 
• This is first generation that doesn’t have a play-based childhood
• With introduction of cell phones content loser something essential to childhood: void moments (boredom)
• Void moments are 100% essential to a child discovering their best selves
• Void moments: needed for free play to take root; 
• Play soothes emotion, if you get rid of play society goes nuts
• Developing impulse control is not inevitable. You need to have access to your emotions and inner world. We have a whole generation of teens who don’t have this access.

Play is taking care of kids:

• Biggest theme in books: orphaned by parents
• Babies come into the world completely vulnerable
• A kid’s biggest fear is losing their parents, so they digest thing one step removed through attachment-survival books and play
• Children process their fears through play (ring around the Rosie all the way to COVID tag)
• Play digests anxiety

Behind every emotion we exhibit is another emotion driving it. 

• Frustration comes in. 

• If change is not an option, it needs to be absolute in order for them to move to the next phase.
• When change is not an option, they need to be able to feel the sadness that comes with that. 
  
• We are a culture that is ALLERGIC to sadness! 
• We have a parenting culture that is very afraid of making kids disappointed or sad. 
• You cannot teach resilience; you cannot teach a brain to rewire; rewiring comes from surviving sadness and disappointment.

• Kids need to feel seen when they are feeling big emotions; to move a child from mad to sad they need to have space to feel that and be seen, then they'll get there
• Wall of defense gives no opportunity to feel sadness
• Relationally starved
• Walls go up around their hearts; kids need togetherness and are lacking it; "I'll break up with you before you break up with me."

• How do we help?
• Come alongside: not the time for a lecture or discussion! Wait until the emotions have been felt and the intensity has passed.
• Speak to the part of the child that you wish to grow.
• We have to see their goodness before they will rise to it.
• We have to not take their behaviour personally, but as communication of something bigger. 

• If we don't give this space, it comes out as attack.

• If, after adaptation is blocked, attack and aggression is also blocked, the emotions go round and round, which leads to depression.